If you’ve ever been in an abusive relationship, you know it is hard to heal and escape from your fixed mindset. “I’m not good enough, I must have done something to deserve this, I am hard to love” and so many other foul phrases run through your head at high speed.
From my abusive relationship, I’ve learned that I cannot control how many narcissists, psychopaths or sociopaths I’ll encounter in the future. I did not deserve in any way the abuse nor have I asked for it. But what I can do is control my reactions to them.
In order not to repeat an endless cycle of abusive relationships, you need to learn some lessons.
1. You deserve love
One of the things we tell ourselves is that we deserve the abuse. This is somehow easier than to admit you have no control over what happens to you. But once the idea that you are unlovable becomes a part of you, you won’t be able to love yourself, which is the biggest loss you’ll ever suffer.
2. There’s nothing wrong with you
The most awful part was that I was convinced that everything is my fault. Your partner is the one who’s been filling your head with untrue and wrong ideas, that there’s something essentially wrong with you. Of course they did, how else would they justify their behavior?
In reality, we have qualities and flaws. Just like everybody else. You are not the worst person in the world. You are a decent person that needs love and understanding.
3. You are not a victim
In a sense, we are victims. And we shouldn’t be ashamed to say so. The abuser should be ashamed, not us. But try to remember that while you might have been victimized for a while, this does not define you. You are not your scars. You are not your trauma.
You shall rise again!